The maid asked her boss’s wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.The wife asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”Wife: “Who said that?”Helen: “Your husband.”Wife: “Oh.”Helen: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”Helen: “No, the gardener did.”Wife: “So, how much do you want?”A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello, and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.So he says, “Do you know me?”To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the woman from my bachelor party that I made love to near the pool and then started crying, realizing I cheated on my wife and beating myself for this?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”Six Feet Under CoversA wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.”Husband: I have cheated once.Wife: Me too.Husband: 1st of Apriii….Wife: 18th of June.A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. He forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to back, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, “Please untie her, please, let her go!”The thief responds with, “No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration.”The man yet again pleads, “Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”The burglar once again explains his reasoning, “I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”